Brain Dump: I wish I felt this way with my first baby

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When Killian was a month old I was a ball of anxiety worried about doing everything “right” even though I knew nothing was ever going to “right” again. I wanted to do everything myself and thought if I took someone up on their offer to help me (clean my house, hold him, feed him, calm him, etc.) it meant I was failing.

The first month of Maverick being here I was worried all the worry’s I had with Killy would come flooding back. Lucky for me it’s been the opposite, I’ve loved most of every moment of being a mom of two. Don’t get me wrong it’s still hard, I still dread the nighttime, I still have anxiety about certain things (like going in public with the two kids by myself). But, the other stuff has gone away; I know he won’t break if someone else holds him, if you want to clean my house please come, if you want to rock him to sleep please do it, if I feel like I need help I will ask. 

I wish I could’ve been the mother I am now to Killian when he was this old. I wish he could’ve felt the love I have for this little baby and not just felt the fears. 

Being a first time parent was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, being responsible for something that can not survive without you is the most terrifying thing in the world. At least if you forget to feed a pet it’ll just run away. Being a first time parent in the social media age is even harder at times, we have so much information being thrown at us (good and bad). 

At all times we are doing something wrong to our kids in someone else’s eyes and this is isn’t always the Internet strangers, it’s in laws, it’s parents, it’s friends, it’s the weird lady at target, it’s yourself. 

If you’re a first time parent know it’s ok to feel the way you do, its ok to be scared and not feel like you can do it but know you can! Know it’s ok to ask for help and if someone answers back it’s because THEY WANT TO. 

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